Me:*playing Tomb Raider*
Grandmother who is visiting for the weekend:Mind if I sit with you?
Me:*squirming slightly because there is gore and swearing in this game and my grandmother is a sweet old lady: Um, if you want to.
You can stick 17 refrigerators in your pocket,
But god forbid you put a fish in a letter.
I don’t know what this is, but it’s obviously not...
Four years ago I married @fishheadned and it remains one of my better life choices. Happy Anniversary, my love!
"in case of fire use stairs" that’s ridiculous. how the FUCK am i supposed to put this fire out with these stairs
say it with me now
do not fucking tell me someone with abusive parents “had it easy” just because...
“To our wives and girlfriends, may one never have to call the other to let you know you lost your phone.”
— a new toast